Aaron vs. The Double Down from KFC

14 04 2010

Someone had to do this shit. Been seeing posts about it on the internet all week and no one followed through. Well, guess who’s good at stuff other than internet, pussies.

When I was handed the bag I knew this was on: the bag was heavy. One brick of protein, seasoning and light batter. I pulled into the parking spot directly in the path of the drive-thru egress to begin this battle asap. I chose to eat in the car because although I knew I was fighting a noble battle, I didn’t want to be on display as THE FIRST PERSON TO EVER ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE.

First bite was anticlimactic. As far as fast food goes, I think I’ve eaten KFC about twice in the last ten years. Black chicken bones disturb me. As I gnawed into the thing, all I tasted was salt, microwave bacon and the Colonel’s proprietary spice blend. Very lackluster in flavor, unless you like salt, but the chicken patties were surprisingly tender. Salt. The sauce was like, I can’t even remember it. Then salt. The cheese tasted like plastic, the same taste as the “cheese” from Lunchables Since You Hate Your Children And Want Them To Die meals. Salt. I didn’t finish it because my lips had shriveled like slugs in the hot afternoon sun after being salted, and my trachea had become parched, as if I were eating a bacon & cheese sandwich with a bun made of fried chicken and salt.

Regardless of this scathing commentary, I will put this down as the #1 drunk food of all time. It is nearly pure protein and salt. Protein slows the absorption of alcohol by the liver and salt makes you retain water instead of pee-peeing in your bed 2 hours before you come to.

Two strikes against KFC though: they aren’t open late and I can’t think of a single one around any bar or club I play. Probably a good thing since it’s almost $6 and I have a kitchen full of salt. Additionally, if you’re like me and bread makes you feel like dog crap (salted), this is an option for moments of sandwich nostalgia and a desire to believe that you’re doing less bad to your body even though you’re doing it a different bad. Just stay away from razor blades, Darren Aronofsky movies and pictures of yourself when you “looked so happy.” And drink plenty of water.

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3 responses

14 04 2010
Julie

Did you try the grilled chicken? maybe it’s better.

14 04 2010
sinevil

i like the idea behind this fastfood concoction. it reminds me of the hotdog from south chicago on no reservations(soul dialed down 70%) but its a good start. now if they could just turn the coney island vibe down a little at kfc and take the hair out my grandmas food i would be supa pleased. i have been to kfc like 40 times in the last ten years.(embarassing) It all started when i adopted an elderly person who like to eat fried chicken skins exclusively.

now if they cooked it in butter and used real cheese that would be pretty cool. i guess that is like asking for something that is impossible, or out of character. i gonna get one tonite!!!

15 04 2010
Holly

I like how KFC Canada isn’t serving this “sandwich”. USA! USA! USA!

And the grilled version actually has more sodium.

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